Boundaries

Boundary (n.) - a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line

Everywhere you go, there are boundaries. Driving down the road, walking on a trail, running down the football field. You get my drift. Boundaries keep us safe. They bring definition. They determine what’s in or out; permissible or inappropriate. The problem and difficulty with some boundaries though, is that they’re invisible. 

You have to have wisdom and discernment to know that they’re there.

And then, you have to have the respect and the humility to honor them.

There are boundaries and limits to how fully and effectively we can invest ourselves. I can only give so much of my time and energy and focus and attention to so many things in a given day. I have to learn to say, “No." "No" is a boundary in and of itself.

The scriptures are full of boundaries. The Book of Proverbs is a heartfelt plea from King Solomon to his sons to pay attention to the boundaries that the Lord has made clear. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus took the legal boundaries of the Law and explained that God intended for them to go even deeper and deeper. Paul told Timothy to “flee from sin” and temptation. Don’t see how close you can get. See how far away you can run from it!

You need boundaries in your relationships as well. Every relationship. [Except the one between you & God. But that’s a whole separate blogpost for another day!] There are conversations we’ve been invited into. Others we have not. There are other relationships where our presence is welcomed in the middle. There are others where this is not the case. There are things we should and should not say to, do with, or even expect from others. There are boundaries. Do you know that they’re there? Are you looking for them? 

One of the best books I have ever read - and I’ve read a few books - is Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud. This book is a goldmine, packed with valuable treasure that will sharpen how you look at other people, converse and relate with them, and what you expect from them (&) your understanding of what they should expect from you. I want to share with you a few things Dr. Cloud says in Boundaries that will shed some light on the subject:

“We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a "litmus test" for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. "I only like it when you do what I want.” 

“When we can’t hold back, or set boundaries, on what comes from our lips, our words are in charge—not us. But we are still responsible for those words. Our words do not come from somewhere outside of us, as if we were a ventriloquist’s dummy. They are the product of our hearts. Our saying, “I didn’t mean that,” is probably better translated, “I didn’t want you to know I thought that about you.” We need to take responsibility for our words. “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken” (Matt. 12:36).” 

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.” 

If there is currently tension in a relationship in your life, it could very well be the result of hazy, undefined, or even nonexistent boundaries. Is there someone who needs to hear you say, “No”? Is there someone who needs to know that their expectations over you are unrealistic? Or - harder yet - are there boundaries that you’re crossing over in your relationship with someone else? If so, are you willing to step back, take a realistic look, lower your defenses, and love them enough to honor that invisible fence?

Other than the Lord, is there anyone else who's controlling your life?