Seek to Understand

It is not an understatement to think or suggest or believe that almost everyone in the world has been emotionally affected by the circumstances we have faced over the last 6-7 months. Dr. David Rock, a neuroscientist who specializes in leadership development, said in an interview earlier this month with Inc. Magazine that "during the pandemic, almost the entire world is reacting neurologically to higher levels of threat perception than normal." No one is exempt. We have all felt the weight that this season has dumped upon us. 

Here's why this matters: There is a 99% chance that whatever you are facing, dealing with, carrying, confronting, arguing or debating, or even rejoicing over or celebrating in this season, you are more emotionally involved, engaged, and spent than at any other point in your life. 

Allow me to repeat that: You are more emotionally involved, engaged, and spent than at any other point in your life. 

Make sure you grasp this.

Whatever good or bad thing - fractured or healing relationship - positive or negative situtation you may have faced just one year ago, if it was a campfire then it will be a raging forest fire now. 

So, here's how considering this might help you and me during this season.

Whatever your child's teacher did or does that infuriates you, remember: that teacher is easily carrying the same weight you are. Have grace and mercy.

Whatever your student's parent did or does that infuriates you, remember: that parent is easily carrying the same weight you are. Have grace and mercy.

However irrational or overbearing your friend or coworker is being on social media or in the breakroom at work or over that Zoom call, remember: he is probably not even aware of how harsh or brash he is coming across. Extend some grace and mercy. And maybe privately let him know.

Realize and accept that most people who think differently than you do politically do not genuinely have a desire to see the country burn to the ground. They do not intend to use their vote to move this great nation toward socialism or toward slavery. Most people are genuinely trying to think with conviction and conscience to make the best decision they can. If you want to discuss politics with them, you're going to need to do it somewhere other than on Facebook or Next Door. Invite them over for coffee or go grab a burger. And for heaven's sake...extend some grace and mercy. (And if you haven't had a good hamburger lately, that could be adding to your stress!)

Never before in my lifetime (or yours) has literally anyone and everyone in the entire world been able to say, "I understand." They can right now.

But, do we? 

Are we being understanding?

Understanding - having empathy and knowledge - almost automatically demands a certain level of grace. Of patience. Of longsuffering. 

Are we being understanding?

Are we listening?

Or are we all just yelling, screaming, steaming, accusing, pointing fingers, and hellbent on delivering the final death blow to someone we used to like but now just think of as "one of those idiots?"

How did we get here? What's happened to us?

King Solomon may have put his finger on it. He said in Proverbs 18:2, "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." 

Ouch! That stings a little. Only because it's true.

We've stopped listening. We've stopped working and trying to understand. And make no mistake, trying to understand takes work. We have to be intentional about it. 

We all not only have an opinion, we now have a place to freely express it.

But it's no longer an arena of ideas and thought; it's an echo chamber of blah blah blah...I totally agree.

We've replaced empathy with suspicion.

We accuse rather than question.

No, we're not being understanding! But there's still time. 

We can do this! 

But how?

Well, spiritually by recognizing that the Lord calls us to humbly seek to understand those around us, specifically anyone we're praying will see His light shining in and through us. Practically, I find Patrick Lencioni's wisdom incredibly helpful here. In his book, The Advantage, Lencioni describes 2 very different approaches to communication. The first is Advocacy. As implied, with advocacy a person seeks to get his point across ("I think this..." or "We should..."). The second approach, which is rarer to find these days, is Inquiry. With this approach, a person seeks to understand another person's point of advocacy by asking questions ("Why do you think...?" or "What led you to this conclusion?"). 

If we're seeking to understand, INQUIRY TRUMPS ADVOCACY.

Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

Stephen Covey said that this is a habit - a formed and determined pattern or character trait - in the life of effective people. 

Seek to understand before ramming your opinion through like a rhino. 

Seek to understand before declaring your new manifesto and nailing it on the wall.

If you don't, Solomon says you're a fool. 

The Lord tells us through the prophet, Jeremiah, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and test the mind." (Jeremiah 17:9-10) Our hearts were deceitful long before COVID-19 was a thing or the world was in a pandemic. Your heart and mine. Now, more than ever, you and I need the Lord to search our hearts and test our minds. He will do it. If you seek Him and ask Him.

You want to be understood. I get it. So do I.

But so does that friend or coworker of yours. 

You can be bold and compassionate at the same time. The world may not think so, but Jesus tells a different story.

Maybe in seeking to understand, you and I will learn something new. Maybe we will change our minds. Or maybe we will change someone else's. But if we just keep yelling....we may never know.

Time

Some things take time. 

Not more time than you or I have, but more time than we would like to give.

Last week I tweaked my back lifting weights. I felt it tighten up and knew what was about to happen. The first 2 days I was in such pain I could barely concentrate. This is what happens when you have herniated discs in your lower back and set one of them off. Move the wrong way and it’s like a pinball unleashed in your body. As a result, over the last week I’ve been to the chiropractor 3 times for stem and heat therapy, ultrasound, and adjustment. I’ve easily spent an accumulated hour on the floor stretching, at home and at the gym. I had to pass up playing golf. And needless to say, I haven’t done any deadlifts in the last 7 days. But every day, it’s loosening up. Each day it’s getting better.

When this happens though, what I WANT is to take a pill and it all be fixed.

But when this happens, what I NEED is to treat what caused the problem in the first place. What I NEED is to stretch and strengthen my leg and back muscles. What I NEED takes way more time then I WANT to give. But not more than I have.

Time requires waiting.

Waiting requires patience.

Patience demands priority.

Priorities require evaluations and decisions.

And very often those decisions are not between bad and good, but between good or better. 

Sometimes those decisions are between better and best. 

But choosing between better and best demands that I decide: What’s my priority? What’s more important?

And so if I choose best over better, this will demand that I choose patience. This is because (very often) the process and the waiting are just as important as the end result, outcome, goal, or destination. Our character doesn’t microwave. We are a slow burn people. And so what is best is almost always going to require waiting.

And waiting is going to require time. God set it all up this way.

The good news is, you & I have time. 

We just have to decide what we’re going to do with it. 

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil." Ephesians 5:15-16