Hurt People (Don't Have To) Hurt People

I need to begin by acknowledging the certainty that there are people who have been hurt and wounded in church. Someone may even say they were hurt by the church. Whether by sexual abuse from a pastor or leader, gossip or slander from another church member, legalism or politics, or even from the association of something deeply troubling occurring while simply being part of a local congregation. There is no doubt, these things happen. And they happen too often. I pray - have prayed and continue to pray - that the Lord will bring healing and comfort and strength to those walking through that. If that's you, may the Lord bind you up, heal your heart, and free your soul.

Nothing I write here is aimed passively-aggressively at any one person or group. The issue(s) I address here are by no means "black & white" - far from it. And that's what compels me to believe it so desperately needs to be addressed. We no longer live by the Law; we live by the Spirit. So, I pray that above all, the Word and the Spirit would guide us to walk in truth. Jesus said, "They will know you are my disciples by your love for one another." May it be so. 

Over the last several years a trend has continued to escalate. There are terms, words, and phrases that have become commonplace in our culture of public scrutiny. Words that once carried an emphatic and shocking punch are now being used much more loosely. The words toxic, victim, trauma, and abuse require much less qualification now than they used to. The level of relativism and subjectivity applied to the use of these words have made them almost undefinable. As I previously stated, I have no doubt that many people have been wounded and hurt. But at what point has someone actually experienced abuse? When does something become trauma? And what qualifies someone or something actually being toxic? I don't have all those answers. To be honest, I'm not certain we can even find those answers. And for that very reason, I feel compelled to exhort you: be very slow to use words that can potentially do irreparable damage and cause even greater devastation.

I know you've heard this before: Hurt People Hurt People. I think we see the truth of this in others, but not ourselves. We're not in the condition to even consider the truth of it when we become the hurt person - that our hurt might lead us to hurt someone else.

I've heard that term, phrase, and idea stated countless times. But lately, I've seen it with my eyes. Nowadays, if you disagree with someone, or moreover someone has wounded you, hurt or wronged you, you find them to be toxic, or they have caused you (what you identify to be) trauma, as long as you write what we now call an "Open Letter," you can confront and accuse just about anyone, anytime, for any reason. The question I believe we much force ourselves to ask is: Does that mean I should?

We seem to have crossed a threshold where many who have felt wounded or hurt (specifically in the church) begin to also feel almost a sense of duty to publicly inform the rest of the world of the wrongs they've experienced; to warn others so that they won't walk into or through the same turmoil. After all, if I feel I've been a victim of someone else's abuse - if I've experienced what I've identified as trauma from someone else's toxic behavior or decisions - why wouldn't I go to great lengths to warn others not to walk down the same path? It's a fair question. But again, the issue at hand here is this: When and how do I qualify something as abuse or trauma? When does someone (or their actions or decisions) become toxic? And when do I become a victim?

When I was in my early years of ministry, I had someone in a position over me who made some decisions that were very difficult for me to deal with. If I state it as I felt about it, I was treated horribly unfair. There were numerous unclear and miscommunicated expectations placed on me. And to some degree, I was being misrepresented and misunderstood by this person. As a result, I wound up being embarrassed, humiliated, and even put on "probation" for a time, given no opportunity to give my side of the story or to defend myself. As a result, it became quite clear to me that I was not the person that my superior wanted in this role. Several months later, all of that made it much easier to leave and move on to what the Lord had next for me.

Was I abused? Or was I mistreated?

Were my superior's actions toxic? Or were they thoughtless and self-centered?

Did I experience trauma? Or was that resentment and bitterness?

He was a pastor. I was in the church. And believe me when I tell you, it hurt!

I wanted to tell the world. I wanted to find someone who would empathize with my anger and frustration and champion my cause. For a brief time, I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to go to the "powers at be" who sheepishly heard one side of the story but never took the time to hear mine and tell them where they could go. I wanted to shake people and say, "Do you know what these jerks did to me? Do you know how unfairly I was treated?!" But...there was no empathy. No punches thrown. No public soapboxes. No apologies.

There was no open letter.

Instead, 9-10 months later, 5 hours away, serving in another ministry position in another church in another city, and driving home one afternoon, I pulled over on the side of the road, began screaming at God, cried my eyes out, and let all my bitterness and frustration go. As best as I knew how, I laid it at the feet of Jesus and left it on the side of the road.

And then, a few days later, I picked up the phone, called my former superior, and confessed to him: "I was bitter, angry, frustrated, and hurt over the decisions that were made and how all of that went down. I've held that against you in my heart. Can you forgive me?" Of course, he said yes. And he prayed for me.

You know what he didn't do? Apologize.

He prayed for me. But he didn't apologize to me. And at that moment I had to ask myself: What is it you're looking for? Why did you call him? How is this all going to be laid to rest once and for all in your heart and mind? Did you lay it down at Jesus' feet and leave it? Or did you pick it back up again?

Hurt People Hurt People.

I was the hurt person. But the only person I was now actually hurting was myself.

Please hear me: If you have been sexually abused by someone - in the church or not - call the police. Do not keep it a secret or hide it away or try to bear that burden alone. Do not allow that person to have the opportunity to prey on someone else. There are hurts and wounds and wrongs that must be confronted and called out. Don't be silent.

But maybe you've been hurt by someone else's decisions, wounded by someone in authority, trampled underneath someone's selfish actions, misrepresented, misunderstood, or just plain cast out. It stings and hurts. It takes quite some time to heal from those wounds. If that's you, what should you do?

First off, practice Jesus's instructions in Matthew 5:21-26 and Matthew 18:15-20. Do everything in your power to exhort and encourage others toward repentance (&) to walk in repentance and reconciliation yourself. If you've exhausted every effort at biblical, Christ-centered reconciliation and still feel it has not been received, I encourage you to prayerfully consider walking away. Leave it at the feet of Jesus...and walk away.

That said, there are times and situations and circumstances where these steps will not bear fruit. Sadly, they may even cause the one who's been hurt to be wounded even deeper. Scot McKnight shared on a recent podcast that many times churches "misuse these verses...for everything that happens that needs to be reconciled." His point is this: If someone has unknowingly or unintentionally wounded you or sinned against you, seeking reconciliation and repentance is the way to go. But if someone has abused you - physically, verbally, sexually - being forced to face them may be more devastating than the original wounds. And again this brings us back to the question: When have I been abused? When do I become a victim? What qualifies as trauma or toxic? I don't have those answers. And I pray if you have been put in the position to be caught in this tension that the Lord will reveal that to you. 

In the midst of the hurt, as you seek His comfort and guidance...

If the Lord compels you to warn someone else of what you experienced, make absolutely sure it's the Spirit compelling you and not the flesh. Remember: hurt people hurt people.

If the Lord convicts you that you should publicly call out someone else's faults, failures, and sins - make sure that it's the Spirit's conviction and not a tidal wave of bitterness brought on by the flesh.

In a recent conversation, someone brought to my attention that the Lord led Paul to openly (publicly) confront Peter's sin in his letter to the Galatian church. This is inaccurate. Paul told the Galatians that he "opposed Peter to his face" (confronted him personally) because of the nature of his sin and the potential harm it could have caused to new believers. He wrote about this to the church so they would not repeat the same sin, but also to testify of Peter's willingness to walk in repentance.

Paul went to Peter. He confronted sin. Peter repented. Paul testified to the church.

I know that when I'm wounded, my flesh wants to take bitterness and resentment and rename it. I want to think that any anger I feel is actually righteous indignation. I want those who hurt me to feel the same hurt I've experienced...and be able to call that justice. That's actually vengeance. And the Lord says that vengeance is solely his right, not mine.

There are pastors, shepherds, ministers, and church members who have made mistakes, messed up, made poor decisions, and have regrets. I pray that they - and myself included when necessary - will walk in repentance, work toward reconciliation, and always pray for restoration. I also pray that those who are sometimes caught in the wake of those mistakes and decisions and (even) sins can extend forgiveness and grace and mercy. And can find true restoration from the Great Healer!

I pray that when we are hurt, we will overcome the need to reciprocate.

I pray that when we wound others, we will overcome our pride and seek forgiveness.

Hurt people don't have to hurt people.

If you've been hurt, may the Lord not only heal your heart, but may he use you as a soothing balm to the wounded heart of someone else. 

David cried out to God: "Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled." Psalm 6:2

The Psalmist declared: "The Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous." Psalm 146:8

Lord, please bind up the broken-hearted. Holy Spirit, you are the great Comforter; please be the ointment and the salve that can heal our hearts. Turn our need for restitution into a longing for restoration. Lord, bring repentance to those who have blindly misused their authority and influence. May those you have called to shepherd your people follow the example of the Good Shepherd! And Father, where and when there are wolves trying to hide among the flock, we pray you would root them out and expose them for what they are. We are your Church and your people. May your Kingdom come, Lord Jesus!