Hurt People (Don't Have To) Hurt People

I need to begin by acknowledging the certainty that there are people who have been hurt and wounded in church. Someone may even say they were hurt by the church. Whether by sexual abuse from a pastor or leader, gossip or slander from another church member, legalism or politics, or even from the association of something deeply troubling occurring while simply being part of a local congregation. There is no doubt, these things happen. And they happen too often. I pray - have prayed and continue to pray - that the Lord will bring healing and comfort and strength to those walking through that. If that's you, may the Lord bind you up, heal your heart, and free your soul.

Nothing I write here is aimed passively-aggressively at any one person or group. The issue(s) I address here are by no means "black & white" - far from it. And that's what compels me to believe it so desperately needs to be addressed. We no longer live by the Law; we live by the Spirit. So, I pray that above all, the Word and the Spirit would guide us to walk in truth. Jesus said, "They will know you are my disciples by your love for one another." May it be so. 

Over the last several years a trend has continued to escalate. There are terms, words, and phrases that have become commonplace in our culture of public scrutiny. Words that once carried an emphatic and shocking punch are now being used much more loosely. The words toxic, victim, trauma, and abuse require much less qualification now than they used to. The level of relativism and subjectivity applied to the use of these words have made them almost undefinable. As I previously stated, I have no doubt that many people have been wounded and hurt. But at what point has someone actually experienced abuse? When does something become trauma? And what qualifies someone or something actually being toxic? I don't have all those answers. To be honest, I'm not certain we can even find those answers. And for that very reason, I feel compelled to exhort you: be very slow to use words that can potentially do irreparable damage and cause even greater devastation.

I know you've heard this before: Hurt People Hurt People. I think we see the truth of this in others, but not ourselves. We're not in the condition to even consider the truth of it when we become the hurt person - that our hurt might lead us to hurt someone else.

I've heard that term, phrase, and idea stated countless times. But lately, I've seen it with my eyes. Nowadays, if you disagree with someone, or moreover someone has wounded you, hurt or wronged you, you find them to be toxic, or they have caused you (what you identify to be) trauma, as long as you write what we now call an "Open Letter," you can confront and accuse just about anyone, anytime, for any reason. The question I believe we much force ourselves to ask is: Does that mean I should?

We seem to have crossed a threshold where many who have felt wounded or hurt (specifically in the church) begin to also feel almost a sense of duty to publicly inform the rest of the world of the wrongs they've experienced; to warn others so that they won't walk into or through the same turmoil. After all, if I feel I've been a victim of someone else's abuse - if I've experienced what I've identified as trauma from someone else's toxic behavior or decisions - why wouldn't I go to great lengths to warn others not to walk down the same path? It's a fair question. But again, the issue at hand here is this: When and how do I qualify something as abuse or trauma? When does someone (or their actions or decisions) become toxic? And when do I become a victim?

When I was in my early years of ministry, I had someone in a position over me who made some decisions that were very difficult for me to deal with. If I state it as I felt about it, I was treated horribly unfair. There were numerous unclear and miscommunicated expectations placed on me. And to some degree, I was being misrepresented and misunderstood by this person. As a result, I wound up being embarrassed, humiliated, and even put on "probation" for a time, given no opportunity to give my side of the story or to defend myself. As a result, it became quite clear to me that I was not the person that my superior wanted in this role. Several months later, all of that made it much easier to leave and move on to what the Lord had next for me.

Was I abused? Or was I mistreated?

Were my superior's actions toxic? Or were they thoughtless and self-centered?

Did I experience trauma? Or was that resentment and bitterness?

He was a pastor. I was in the church. And believe me when I tell you, it hurt!

I wanted to tell the world. I wanted to find someone who would empathize with my anger and frustration and champion my cause. For a brief time, I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to go to the "powers at be" who sheepishly heard one side of the story but never took the time to hear mine and tell them where they could go. I wanted to shake people and say, "Do you know what these jerks did to me? Do you know how unfairly I was treated?!" But...there was no empathy. No punches thrown. No public soapboxes. No apologies.

There was no open letter.

Instead, 9-10 months later, 5 hours away, serving in another ministry position in another church in another city, and driving home one afternoon, I pulled over on the side of the road, began screaming at God, cried my eyes out, and let all my bitterness and frustration go. As best as I knew how, I laid it at the feet of Jesus and left it on the side of the road.

And then, a few days later, I picked up the phone, called my former superior, and confessed to him: "I was bitter, angry, frustrated, and hurt over the decisions that were made and how all of that went down. I've held that against you in my heart. Can you forgive me?" Of course, he said yes. And he prayed for me.

You know what he didn't do? Apologize.

He prayed for me. But he didn't apologize to me. And at that moment I had to ask myself: What is it you're looking for? Why did you call him? How is this all going to be laid to rest once and for all in your heart and mind? Did you lay it down at Jesus' feet and leave it? Or did you pick it back up again?

Hurt People Hurt People.

I was the hurt person. But the only person I was now actually hurting was myself.

Please hear me: If you have been sexually abused by someone - in the church or not - call the police. Do not keep it a secret or hide it away or try to bear that burden alone. Do not allow that person to have the opportunity to prey on someone else. There are hurts and wounds and wrongs that must be confronted and called out. Don't be silent.

But maybe you've been hurt by someone else's decisions, wounded by someone in authority, trampled underneath someone's selfish actions, misrepresented, misunderstood, or just plain cast out. It stings and hurts. It takes quite some time to heal from those wounds. If that's you, what should you do?

First off, practice Jesus's instructions in Matthew 5:21-26 and Matthew 18:15-20. Do everything in your power to exhort and encourage others toward repentance (&) to walk in repentance and reconciliation yourself. If you've exhausted every effort at biblical, Christ-centered reconciliation and still feel it has not been received, I encourage you to prayerfully consider walking away. Leave it at the feet of Jesus...and walk away.

That said, there are times and situations and circumstances where these steps will not bear fruit. Sadly, they may even cause the one who's been hurt to be wounded even deeper. Scot McKnight shared on a recent podcast that many times churches "misuse these verses...for everything that happens that needs to be reconciled." His point is this: If someone has unknowingly or unintentionally wounded you or sinned against you, seeking reconciliation and repentance is the way to go. But if someone has abused you - physically, verbally, sexually - being forced to face them may be more devastating than the original wounds. And again this brings us back to the question: When have I been abused? When do I become a victim? What qualifies as trauma or toxic? I don't have those answers. And I pray if you have been put in the position to be caught in this tension that the Lord will reveal that to you. 

In the midst of the hurt, as you seek His comfort and guidance...

If the Lord compels you to warn someone else of what you experienced, make absolutely sure it's the Spirit compelling you and not the flesh. Remember: hurt people hurt people.

If the Lord convicts you that you should publicly call out someone else's faults, failures, and sins - make sure that it's the Spirit's conviction and not a tidal wave of bitterness brought on by the flesh.

In a recent conversation, someone brought to my attention that the Lord led Paul to openly (publicly) confront Peter's sin in his letter to the Galatian church. This is inaccurate. Paul told the Galatians that he "opposed Peter to his face" (confronted him personally) because of the nature of his sin and the potential harm it could have caused to new believers. He wrote about this to the church so they would not repeat the same sin, but also to testify of Peter's willingness to walk in repentance.

Paul went to Peter. He confronted sin. Peter repented. Paul testified to the church.

I know that when I'm wounded, my flesh wants to take bitterness and resentment and rename it. I want to think that any anger I feel is actually righteous indignation. I want those who hurt me to feel the same hurt I've experienced...and be able to call that justice. That's actually vengeance. And the Lord says that vengeance is solely his right, not mine.

There are pastors, shepherds, ministers, and church members who have made mistakes, messed up, made poor decisions, and have regrets. I pray that they - and myself included when necessary - will walk in repentance, work toward reconciliation, and always pray for restoration. I also pray that those who are sometimes caught in the wake of those mistakes and decisions and (even) sins can extend forgiveness and grace and mercy. And can find true restoration from the Great Healer!

I pray that when we are hurt, we will overcome the need to reciprocate.

I pray that when we wound others, we will overcome our pride and seek forgiveness.

Hurt people don't have to hurt people.

If you've been hurt, may the Lord not only heal your heart, but may he use you as a soothing balm to the wounded heart of someone else. 

David cried out to God: "Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled." Psalm 6:2

The Psalmist declared: "The Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous." Psalm 146:8

Lord, please bind up the broken-hearted. Holy Spirit, you are the great Comforter; please be the ointment and the salve that can heal our hearts. Turn our need for restitution into a longing for restoration. Lord, bring repentance to those who have blindly misused their authority and influence. May those you have called to shepherd your people follow the example of the Good Shepherd! And Father, where and when there are wolves trying to hide among the flock, we pray you would root them out and expose them for what they are. We are your Church and your people. May your Kingdom come, Lord Jesus! 

Please...Let Kids Be Kids!

Allow me to preface what you’re about to read by acknowledging there are most certainly exceptions to what I’m about to say. However, most of the time, and in most situations, this is relevant and true. Let’s proceed.

Kids need to run. They need to get dirty, fall down, get cut and bruised, and cry a little. And figure out that life kicks your butt sometimes. We get up and get over it.

Kids need to fight and get mad and learn to forgive and get past it. They need to learn to be stronger and tougher and bigger than anyone else’s words. So they don’t become bitter adults.

Kids — many if not most of them — are weird and awkward. Acne and puberty and hormones and immaturity are a strong enough cocktail to inebriate even the toughest adolescent.

Kids need to laugh with their friends and at themselves. They need to laugh so hard that it makes them sick. They need to have memories of laughing and not even be able to remember what they were laughing at or about.

Kids needs to be flexible and resilient. But you only become flexible by being bent. You only gain resilience through adversity.

Kids used to know and do and be and experience these things.

Something has changed. The question is: WHAT?

Your kid — just about every kid, for that matter — under the age of 13 (or maybe 15 or even 17 or 18) is still as pliable as a ball of Silly Putty. Mentally, physically, emotionally, they are like lumps of wet clay on a potters wheel. Every day, being influenced and impressed and molded into the person God created them to be. If we’ll allow it.

If you understand, accept, and believe that, then please consider this:

Just because a little boy wants to play with a doll or watch Snow White doesn’t mean he needs or wants to be a girl.

Just because a little girl hates dresses and wants to wrestle and have short hair doesn’t mean she wants or needs to be a boy.

Just because your daughter can’t stay focused or pay attention in her kindergarten class doesn’t mean she has ADHD.

Just because a child shows signs of lacking social skills or displaying extreme intelligence or obsessing over certain things doesn’t mean they’re on the spectrum.

Just because your eight-year-old son can hit a baseball really good doesn’t mean he’s the next Freddie Freeman or Derek Jeter. Or that he might not eventually grow to also like basketball or chess. Or wind up hating baseball.

What's the point? What am I trying to get across here?

We have become so quick to label, diagnose, and pigeon-hole our kids today, that by the time they reach the age of 10, many of them are confined to an imaginary box of predetermined limitations, alterations, and choices that no child is prepared for or ready to face or to make for himself.

It’s OK to let your kid be awkward for a while. I know you want to fix everything for them — I completely understand — but those trials and tribulations and hurts are actually going to grow them and shape them into the human God intended. If you’ll allow it.

I know you’ve probably heard the story about the girl who saw the butterfly struggling to get out of the cocoon. In her eyes, the butterfly was suffering. So she decided to help it. She just made a little cut in the cocoon so the butterfly could get out easier, not understanding that the struggle to get out of the cocoon is actually what strengthens the butterfly’s wings so that he can endure flying on his own.

The struggle is where the strength comes from.

But no one wants to let kids struggle anymore.

If you don't let them go through struggles, you're preparing them to crumble.

If you won't allow them to hurt, they'll never figure out how to heal.

And if you make all their choices for them, they won't become them. They'll become another you. 

The fact of the matter is, most 6-year olds who play travel baseball or take gymnastics 5 days a week or practice piano 4 hours a day or say they want to be a different gender are not doing or saying or being who they want to be. They're doing, saying, and being who you want them to be.

I know many people will consider that an unpopular opinion. It's not. It's actually an unpopular fact.

Please don't make the mistake of robbing your child of being a child.

Please don't attempt to live out your unfulfilled dreams or propagate your worldview through your child.

Please don't diagnose them with a disorder before you're willing to see if what you're actually witnessing are the effects of their face in a screen, their mind paralyzed by electronic addiction, or even their emotional intelligence and social skills stymied by living vicariously online more than being forced into healthy interaction with other human beings.

Please don't try to fix every problem or rescue them from every struggle. The struggle is where the strength comes from. Don't rip them out of the cocoon before they're ready. They won't be able to endure the turbulence.

Please teach them, love them, nurture them, disciple them, train them, and prepare them to step out into this world. But while you're doing it...please, let kids be kids!

"Train up a child in the way he should go. In the end, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

Something has changed. The question is: WHAT?

Someone needs to change. The question is: WHO?

The Theological Snobbery of Reformed Gnosticism

I’m learning and discovering that, if you are walking with and growing in Christ, about every 8 to 10 years you will humbly (and often painfully) look back and discover your arrogance and pride. You start looking in the rear view mirror a bit more often.

I am still attempting to salvage and recover much of the damage caused by the legalism that drove my beliefs and (moreover) my teaching early on in my days of ministry. For many of us who grew up in the evangelical church of the 80s and 90s, there was a very hard foundation of fundamentalism laid underneath us. What you believed did not matter nearly as much as what you wore, what you drank (or that you didn’t drink), what you watched or listen to, or who you ran with. To put it another way: your faith was much less important than your fruit. But now, in keeping with the common and consistent cultural pattern of 20 to 30 years cycles, I am now seeing a swing of the pendulum to the opposite side. Allow me to explain.

Over the last five years or so, we have seen a drastic shift in our culture toward the tendency to write people off. We’ve even named the tendency.  It’s labeled Cancel Culture. It thinks like this:

If someone disagrees with me or believes something different than I do on any level, my ears are now closed to their voice. If we don’t agree about everything, then we can’t agree about anything.

That’s essentially the mindset. How I see this impacting and influencing many Christians and the church is most visible in the younger generation — the “twenty-something’s”. There is now a mindset or worldview that says: I’m not really concerned with how you act, what you drink or eat, what you wear, or who you run with. I only care about what you say you believe. I’m not concerned with your fruit, just your faith. And if I don’t agree with you on every level, then my ears are closed. Our conversation is over. You’ve lost any opportunity or ability to sharpen me; you can only distract or dull my faith. Cancel Culture has made its way into the church.

If you believe something different about baptism, then we’re not going to break bread.

If your interpretation of spiritual gifts is different than mine, then I’m not interested in the bond of the Spirit.

There is an arrogance of belief that I’ve apparently figured out some things — I’ve gained a knowledge — that you’ve either missed, ignored or rejected. It’s a modern-day, Reformed version of Gnosticism. As another pastor put it in a conversation the other day: it feels like “theological snobbery.”

Do you grasp the impossibility of true and deeper knowledge of God leading to prideful disdain for others?

I am praying for the Lord to ignite a supernatural fire of repentance that burns this spirit to the ground.

Are you open to this?

If you’re 25-ish, you know everything.

Not really, but you feel like you do. You think you do. I sure did. And you wonder how so many others around you  are so ignorant. How do they even manage to even tie their shoes? And then…you get a little older.

If you’re 35-ish, you start realizing you don’t know everything. You even start to wonder if you were possibly wrong about 1 or 2 things. (Only 1 or 2, though.) You begin entertaining the idea that you could still learn a thing or two. And then…you get a little older. And a little wiser.

If you’re 45-ish, you now very likely — through the sorrow and suffering life brings — have been crushed by the Lord into a fine powder, taken into his hands, spit upon, and begun to be molded and shaped into an unrecognizable shadow of yourself. You know you don’t know everything. In fact, there is way more you still have to learn than you have to lecture.

YOU still have more to learn than you have to lecture.

Young friend: the world is not as black and white as you see it right now. I promise.

Let me be clear: There are eternal truths that do not change. The Word of God stands. The Lord does not waver or falter. The Son of God, Jesus Christ, died for our sin, rose again and defeated death, and is coming again to make all things new. His Spirit has come to live within us and affirm that we belong to him. Some things do not change.

I’m not saying that what you believe about baptism, the rapture, the Lord’s Supper, spiritual gifts, deacons, tithing, or any other theological tenet necessarily needs to change. But what must change is your tendency to write everyone off that doesn’t think or believe what you believe. What must change - what must grow in each of us - is our propensity to listen before we lecture.

”For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.“ ‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭3‬

”But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.“ James‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬-‭7‬

”Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus...“ Philippians‬ ‭2‬:‭3‬-‭5‬