Serve & Protect

In recent years - especially post-9/11 - our public servants have been more intentionally and deservedly thought of and talked about as "heroes". This has not been so much an issue of them "becoming", but of the rest of us "recognizing" and "realizing". While I am fully supportive of this attitude and participative in expressing my gratitude, I've noticed somewhat of a discrepancy over the last few years. It was affirmed (and magnified) recently when a friend of mine (who I'll call MY FRIEND) shared with me about a conversation she'd had with another friend (who I'll call HER FRIEND). It went something like this:

HER FRIEND: "Watch out when you go down that hill. There's always a cop hiding there, waiting to bust someone for speeding."

MY FRIEND: "How do you know?"

HER FRIEND: "He pulled me over the other day. But he let me go with a warning. So...he made it back to zero."

MY FRIEND went on to ask HER FRIEND if she was actually speeding, to which she admitted, "Yes." MY FRIEND then proceeded to confront HER FRIEND about her unintentional, yet undeniable admission to holding what has become an incredibly common and shared stereotype. HER FRIEND - for whatever reason, fair or unfair - has embraced this prejudice: POLICEMEN START AT ZERO.

Think about this for a moment: How many negative thoughts or perceptions do we have of firemen? Not many. Other than that horrible character played by Scott Glenn in Backdraft, there are just not many situations or scenarios where we find ourselves looking on a fireman in a negative light. And for just reasons. They serve long hours. Some of them on a volunteer basis. They run into burning buildings. They respond (repeatedly) to false alarms and fender benders. Their job is all about serving, protecting, and saving others. But isn't that what the Police do as well? Don't they also selflessly serve and protect? (Sure, I know there's the exception. I know you've had your encounter with "that cop" who you thought acted like a real jerk. Me too. But that's the exception, not the rule. Follow me here.

We all not only agree that we have to have laws, we WANT those laws in place.
But when we are the ones who BREAK those laws - when we speed or run a red light - we suddenly want the police to ignore us. If my neighbor is blasting 130 db's at 2:00 in the morning, I want the police to attend to my situation with laser-focused attention. But not when I'm doing 82 in a 65 MPH zone. 

Our thinking is off. Our judgment is hypocritical.

If you accidentally set your back yard on fire, do you want firemen to come and put it out? Absolutely. And HURRY! If you accidentally stop paying attention and speed through a school zone, do you want the police to pull you over and fine you? Absolutely NOT! Look away! 

Hypocritical.

Back to that cop that "acted like a real jerk" for a moment. Have you ever thought about the fact that every single time an officer or Highway Patrolman approaches a vehicle they have absolutely ZERO idea who or what they're going to be dealing with? Do you know how many lame, ridiculous, unbelievable, far-fetched excuses they get handed? Do you know how many of them have been intimidated, run down, cussed out, and yes, shot at by "really nice people"? Pick one of those. Just one. How many times of that recurring in your life - in your day - would it take before you began approaching every car with a different attitude? I know, I know; you're the exception. That light was yellow a minute ago! Right?

I've recently had the privilege to get to know some of our city's police officers. They are true servants. They are dedicated. They are husbands and wives, fathers and mothers. They are sons and daughters. Just like you and me. I believe that when we consider these things, we will begin to look at these hard-working servants in a different light. A light that shines far brighter and far above a ZERO. And maybe we'll begin to also consider how we can serve and protect them.

What's something tangible you can do to express gratitude to a police officer?
How can we better appreciate our public servants? All of them?

Pull the Trigger (Christianity & Influence)

"Christian" musician.
"Christian" band.
A musician or band who happens to also be Christian.

You've heard the discussion before, right? "Those guys are Christians, aren't they?" You listen to artists like Lifehouse and The Fray and quickly realize that 1/2 their tracks aren't being sung to or about a girl. These are faith statements they're making. And you like the music you're hearing. You're cheering on the inside, believing maybe you've found someone who shares your beliefs, is willing to sing about them, and is gaining a voice with outsiders because their music is actually worth listening to. Been there? Sure you have.

Yesterday this ARTICLE was brought to my attention, bringing up the issue and subject of Christians artists (or artists, musicians, athletes who happen to be believers) and the responsibility they hold due to the influence they carry. (It sparked a pretty thoughtful conversation on my Facebook page). If a musician, based on his lyrics, affiliations, and/or public statements, claims to be a Christian, what responsibilities come along with that? Let me be really specific about some of the questions that I have heard arise, not just through this specific article, but over the last 2 decades:

Can a "Christian band" say they're a Christian band - be on a Christian label - sing "Christian" songs - yet never say the name of Jesus?

If an artist/musician has clearly represented that they are a follower of Jesus Christ, what responsibility do they have to give extra scrutiny to where they go, what they do, and who they do it with?

When an artist or athlete gains a platform, aren't they obligated to use that platform to share the Gospel with those following and listening?

We could go on and on, but you get the point. The list of questions, concerns, and arguments that arise is long because of the fact that 1) there are those in the secular marketplace who are attempting to make inroads with the Gospel, 2) there are others in the Christian marketplace who appear to be making no attempts to actually reach the lost, but more "rally the troops", and finally 3) there are those who just seem to be stuck in the middle of all of this and don't know what to do or how to respond. And then there is the mass majority, looking in from the outside, scrutinizing all of them. Who's right? Who's wrong? Is there a clear distinction and criteria? How do we discern our way through this?

First off, let me give you (what I believe to be) a great example of the dilemma. Enter Switchfoot. For several years now the Foreman brothers and their San Diego surf rock band have been one of my favorites. I've seen Switchfoot in concert 4 times. I own every album. Their songs inspire me, make me think, cause me to consider God - His ways, character, and goodness - from perspectives I failed to observe on my own. In concert, these guys expend more energy and passion than 2 teams in a NBA game. They go places and play in front of crowds that they know did NOT come to see them. And then you add on top of it that the music - that big, hairy, overdriven guitar-rich music they write - is so good, I don't need much else to draw me in. But all that said, every once in awhile, I just keep wondering the same thing, wanting to ask the same question: When are they going to "pull the trigger"?

What do you mean "pull the trigger"? 

This is where the scrutiny begins. I wonder and question and want to know: As this platform gets bigger and as more people are listening and watching - as you gain more and more followers and gain more and more influence - when are you finally going to pull the trigger, drop the hammer, and SAY, "Jesus! That's who I keep singing about!" Is Jesus expecting Jon Foreman to stand on stage every show, spell out the "plan of salvation" (as we like to call it), and "lead people to the Lord"? Or is Jesus calling Jon to seize every opportunity to speak into the personal lives of those who begin to know him for who he is? Does being a Christian artist or athlete by nature imply that you're actually a preacher who sings or hits a baseball? 

Do you understand how long this conversation could be?
Do we grasp how exhausting and neverending the scrutiny can become?
So what are we to do with this conflict of interests? How do we resolve it?

Let me answer that question as plainly as I know how: WE DON'T.

Sure, if I find out today that Jon Foreman is cheating on his wife, cheats on his taxes, or for that matter, cheats at Uno, I might rethink my relationship with Switchfoot. Integrity would be compromised. Messages would be mixed. But does knowing that Switchfoot played a show with the Foo Fighters so they could possibly get their foot in the door with a crowd they never would otherwise bother me? No. Should it? I don't know. (I would first have to deal with the fact that I've been to a Foo Fighters concert.) Where's the line? How and where do we find some clarity in all of this? In an attempt to find a place to land with some common ground, here are some things I think are important to consider:

What is MY responsibility with the platform and influence God has given ME?

Am I fully utilizing it for the sake of the Kingdom of God & to share the Gospel?

Do I keep building relationships with people, yet never "pull the trigger"?

Is my life reaching into the lives of those who are "walking in darkness? Yes, Jesus "ate with sinners", but he did it with the intent of rescuing them from hopelessness and sin. Jesus wasn't trying to gain a platform; He was reaching into the hearts of spiritually dead people and showing them the way to life. Am I doing that?

I don't really listen to Lecrae much. But every song I've listened to and read the lyrics to has in some way challenged or encouraged me in the Gospel. Is he utilizing the platform the Lord has given him? Is he harnessing his influence? I don't know. We haven't hung out. I'm praying that he is and that he does take every opportunity to speak words of truth into the lives of those who are listening. I pray that for Jon Foreman. I pray that for each of us, that we will take whatever influence the Lord has given us and every opportunity laid before us to speak the Gospel and give evidence through our lives that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life - still bringing people from death to life.

Romans 10:14-17

Are You Still Resolved?

This is it. It's finally here. The last day of the first month of the year. Didn't see it coming, did you? Me neither. Heck, I've already gotten used to writing 2014. That seems to happen every January. So what's the big deal? Well, chances are you determined to make some changes in your life this year. It may have even been one simple, single thing that you vowed to do differently. Start something new. Eat right. Exercise. Learn Spanish. (Muy bueno!) Read more books. 
Here it is in English: 

What did you resolve would be different?

[Is this all ringing a bell now?]

The reason I bring it up is because NOW is the time you're actually going to find out - or maybe a better word is "determine" - just how much resolve you have. NOW is the time - TODAY is the day - to evaluate your progress. Be honest. After all, it's only you that you'd be lying to. How's it going? 

Are you still resolved?

Regardless of where you stand or how you've done, I'd love to give you a few words of encouragement to keep moving forward. Here goes.

First off, if you failed, it's OK. You can start again. Did you almost make it? Like you just caved in last week? Or did you go off the reservation like Day 4? Either way, we've all been there. And you can either just tap out and concede, "I blew it!" and give up (OR) you can shake it off, refocus, and start again. Now you probably have an even better idea of where you're weak, vulnerable, or in need of encouragement. Get back on the horse, cowboy!

On another note, maybe you've been more resolved than ever before, stayed focused, pushed through, and are still on track. But you've all of a sudden noticed, "I seemed to be more weighed down, overcommitted, overbooked and overwhelmed. What gives?" This is where I'd encourage you to consider something that sounds elementary but seems to baffle even the best of us: When you ADD something to your life - something new, something beneficial, something constructive, even something great - you've nevertheless added something to your life. And I'm going to bet your life - your plate - was already a bit loaded to begin with. So the question now becomes: If you added something to your life, then what did you SUBTRACT? Think about it. Even if what you've started fresh has now overloaded you, it won't take long before you go stale. You know that moment when you flush the toilet...and suddenly begin to realizing there's water coming in but no water going out? Don't do that to your life! Find the balance. 

I'm now drinking about 1/3 of the diet soft drinks that I was last year. Which also translates to about 1/3 of the caffeine that was going into my body on a daily basis. Not gonna lie; there were a couple of ROUGH days! But the Lord has given me a lot more strength and a LOT more victory than what I expected. (Yes. Shame on me for such a puny lack of faith!) This has been one area of change and victory in my life. I'm grateful. 

What about you? 
What changes have you made?
Have you gotten off track, fallen off the wagon, or just plain flat given up?
Get back up. Read Philippians 4:4-20. Ask God to give you the strength. Surrender it to Christ. Trust that the Holy Spirit will fill you. Just remember: In order to be filled, you'll have to be emptied first. Maybe that's what these first days are all about.

Small Beginnings

Many of our church family just finished a 21-day Daniel Fast. During my (almost) 5 years as Pastor of The Brook, this is the first corporate fast we have done. As I now stand on this side of that time, I want to share some things I learned, confess where the Spirit began convicting me, and hopefully encourage you and hear from you how these times of fasting and prayer have changed and transformed you in your walk and journey with the Lord. 

Let me start by stating this plainly: 
I have been a wimp.

You could use the word "wuss" or "pansy" if you'd like. For a few years now I've been aware that I am hypoglycemic. I have minor blood sugar issues. Compared to those who struggle with diabetes, I have no sad story to bring to the table. Nevertheless, it can mess with you. And while that's true, I've allowed this very small deficiency to become a crutch - an excuse - to heavily lean on food. And by "lean on", what I should probably say is "bow down to". Often, I hear things like "Don't let Brian get hungry. He's a bear!" In fact, a friend recently (with complete justification) pointed me to the newly coined phrase "Hangry", the condition of someone whose hunger leads to what we'll term "irritability". The equation: hungry + angry = hangry. And let me be clear: I've had a serious hanger problem.

This has to end.

This has to be put to death.

This is not some physical condition that I'm plagued with; it's a sinful decision to allow my life to be ruled by food instead of led by the Spirit. And while that causes me frustration, it also gives me hope. This is something that can be surrendered. This is something that can be overcome. The Spirit gives me self-control. The question becomes, "Will I take hold of it?"

Over the last 3 weeks my dependence on the Lord has grown. My faith and trust in the power of the Spirit in my life has increased exponentially. I can't tell you how many times Jesus' words flooded my mind: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." I've never felt these words more affirmed in my soul before now. "Man will not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God." If we think food will satisfy us more than the Word of God, we are sadly mistaken. Ironically, that pizza - that chocolate - that hamburger - will leave you empty. We have to determine how much of our life we want to be temporarily filled and to what degree we long to be truly satisfied. The difference - the chasm between them - is vast. What we've mistaken to be a physical battle is actually one of epic spiritual proportion.

So as I look in the rearview at this much-needed time of sacrifice in my life and in our church, I am grateful. I am renewed. I am more and more aware of my hunger and thirst for communion with the Lord. I know that only He can truly satisfy me. I am no longer ignorant to the fact that I can make much healthier choices in what I allow to go into my body. I have a much greater capacity to be disciplined and self-controlled than I thought imaginable, mainly because I've realized it's not about my capacity or strength or power; it's about God's.

This was my first Daniel Fast. While the Enemy would whisper to us deceitfully, "Big deal", the Lord reminded me this morning in Zechariah 4:10: "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin."

I will be my quicker to embrace any small beginning if it comes from the Lord.

I will be much quicker to fast; to take the opportunity of a day or week (or longer) to allow the Lord to refine me again - to purify my heart to the point that it beats for nothing more than it beats for Him.

What small beginnings has the Lord begun to unfold in your life?
I'd love to hear about it.

The Gathering

"Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." Hebrews 10:24-25

This is one of the most universally misunderstood and misquoted verses in the New Testament. Mainly because it's most frequent use is to guilt people into "showing up for church". While it is most certainly an exhortation for the local church - the Body of Christ - to place the gathering of the church in high priority, it's the motive that I believe is often omitted from the conversation.

When Hebrews was written, followers of Jesus Christ were not living in the United States with religious freedom. They were persecuted. They were hunted down and often murdered. They spent their week, while prayerfully and assertively taking the Gospel to those who were "walking in darkness", trying to fend for the own safety as well. To live for Christ was to risk your life. And when you're laying your life on the line for the sake of something or someone else, there is indescribable comfort, encouragement, and power in not only knowing that you are not alone, but in literally not being alone. There is great power in coming together with those who are on the same mission. The writer of Hebrews is crying out for the people to not forget or forsake this.

Because in the SCATTERING - the sending and going out of the people on mission to make disciples - you will be opposed, discouraged, persecuted, exhausted, burdened, and broken - you will be in desperate need of the GATHERING - coming together with those who are on the same mission to be encouraged, comforted, inspired, and renewed.

One is not more important than the other.

The gathering cannot overshadow the scattering. Or vice versa.

At The Brook, we've spent a great deal of time and energy over the last year and a half emphasizing the scattering - the sending out - the forward, propelling movement of the mission. Recently, I've been led to believe that in doing so we have possibly neglected to reemphasize the enormous importance and priority of the gathering. Not only that, I think it's essential for us to often reflect on and reconsider WHY it is we come together. Why do we gather each week as a local church body? 

CORPORATE WORSHIP
I don't think it can be overstated: worship is a way of life. Worship is the adoration & attention we give to the thing(s) we value most in life. But worship is also the corporate praise, adoration, confession, and celebration of God's people when they come together. It's the "Body of Christ" acknowledging WHO God is and WHAT He's done. That's a pretty hefty task, right? Something we should take seriously? Absolutely. So it begs the question: Am I preparing my heart each week for this opportunity? Am I living my life in such a way that it causes me to almost bust in anticipation of the chance to celebrate and adore the work of the Redeemer in and through my life? 
Remember: worship is a way of life.

TEACHING OF THE WORD
When we come together, it's a powerful thing to hear, receive, and respond to the Word of God. The accurate, anointed teaching of scripture - through the power of the Holy Spirit moving in and through us - can transform our minds and radically change our hearts. It reinvigorates our soul. It brings us back to the center - to the starting point. It reminds us why it is we're scattering - moving out - on mission together. And it hopefully always brings us back to the life-changing truth: It's all about Jesus! 

SERVING ONE ANOTHER
Because most of our churches choose to included some very specific items in our Sunday morning schedules, these elements, pieces, and programs require volunteers, workers, and leaders. For instance: If your church family choose to have a weekly children's event/program (at The Brook we call it Faith Builders for preschoolers & Faith Factory for kids) it requires a small army (maybe militia) of passionate, dedicated, and prepared teachers, leaders, and workers. It doesn't just "happen". To have a "worship service" with a band, you not only need musicians, you're also in need of someone to run the sound, lights, video, etc... If you want people to get out of their car, walk through your doors, find a seat, and not only "participate in worship", but to feel welcomed, received, and loved by your church family, then you need greeters. I think you can actually put it this way: For a local church to worship together, we have to serve together. We have to serve each other. And just as (if not more) important, we have to serve those who are not yet part of the "family".

If your church has small groups or missional communities or whatever it may be called, those groups and communities - if growing and functioning biblically and properly - are going to at some point begin to reach people. They are going to reach lost people who do not know the Lord. That's our mission. At the same time, we have to understand and acknowledge that there are still going to be people walking through our doors for the first time on Sundays, looking for a church home, searching for fellowship, and desperate for the Lord to change their lives. They need to know someone cares. They need to feel welcomed. Bottom line: they need the love of Christ to overwhelm them. That will only happen if the people of God are extending that love. And this reality begs us to ask some questions of ourselves:

When I wake up on Sundays - when I'm preparing to gather with my church family - is it honestly, first and foremost, all about me?

If you're 10-15 minutes late every week, can you possibly make other people feel welcomed? Like you were there waiting to receive them and greet them?

If you've been "going to your church" for 2 years now, but you're still not serving anyone inside the church, what does that mean your worship really looks like to God? To everyone else? If we're "lifting our hands" without ever getting them dirty, what's really going on in our hearts?

Is it possible you could be robbing yourself of all that it means to be part of the Church because you're neglecting corporate worship? Because you're refusing to serve someone other than you?

If you're going to get up this Sunday and "go to church", I beg you to ask this simple question first: WHY? And if your WHY doesn't include one of these aspects and reasons above, I would encourage you to pray about it. No cliches here. I mean go in the closet, get down on your face, and ask the Lord: 'What do you desire of me in your church?' If you ask, He'll begin to show you.

Are you looking for a starting point? Let me give you a couple of easy ones:

• Show up 15 minutes early & greet people. And don't just greet them ("Hey, I'm Bill. Welcome!") RECEIVE THEM! That looks more like: "Hey, I'm Bill. Would you guys like to sit with us? I'd love to introduce you to my wife." Treat people the way you would want to be treated if it was your first time walking through the doors.
• Wake up 30 minutes early and spend time in the Word. Pray and ask the Lord to prepare your heart and open your eyes as you are with the people of God. 

When we SCATTER, we are on mission.

When we GATHER, we are STILL on mission.

The Church is always on mission. ALWAYS! 

What an awesome privilige to worship the Lord & serve each other!

We are all in need of refining in areas of our lives. Is there one of these areas where you can ask God to bring some change in your life?

Replace the Alternator

Last night I would have told you it was a few days ago that it started. But much later last night I began to realize it started long before then. Probably a couple of weeks ago. Out of nowhere - whether driving down the road or sitting at a stop light - the battery gauge on my Jeep would go down. Not like it would slowly begin to drop. It would go DEAD. And immediately my CHECK GAUGES light would come on. As this began to happen over and over, I wrote it off. I thought, "This stupid Jeep has more issues than the Kardashian sisters. Now my battery gauge is broken!" After all, it seems like in the 4 months I've owned this vehicle, it's just been laughing at me. Taunting me.



I thought the gauge was broken.

I was wrong.

One thing I learned last night from my friend Steve is that the battery gauge isn't actually for the battery; it's for the alternator. Go figure. And to those of you who think like me, you may find that to be stupid. Join the club. But our disdain for gauge misrepresentation is only rooted in our ignorance. Understanding what an alternator actually does helps alleviate this confusion:

Alternator (n.) - Used in modern automobiles to charge the battery and power the electrical system when the engine is running.

So get this: If the alternator stops working, it tells your battery gauge to hit the floor. If your battery gauge is suddenly dropping like a limp noodle, this means your battery isn't being charged. And when your battery isn't being charged, it's eventually going to run out of juice. And when it runs out of juice, that means it's done. Game over. And at this point, most automotive geniuses like myself (insert laughter here) are left sitting in the car in the parking lot, cranking it over and over, wondering WHY I left the jumper cables hanging on that peg in the garage, beginning to boil over the fact that I'm about to have to purchase a brand new battery. When in reality, it's not the battery at all. In fact, the battery is just fine. It simply needs to be recharged. 

The painful reality: It's the alternator that's broken. Which is a much bigger issue my friends.

[HUGE thanks to my friend Steve for spending 5 hours with me last night replacing my alternator.]

As I stood there freezing my backside off into the wee hours of the night, becoming a World Class Flashlight Holder, I thought about some things that I think many of us struggle with at times:

Sometimes, we think our spouse is the problem. And sometimes, we may be right. But more often than not, it's the greater issue of US.

Lots of people think the job that they're in really sucks. But the bigger problem is they haven't learned gratitude, humility, or a simple work ethic.

Parents spend countless amounts of time & energy trying to modify their child's behavior, without ever addressing the much bigger issue of the heart.

Today, millions of people will keep trying to patch up the surface and smooth things over and see if they'll maybe possibly be able to get it right enough that they'll "win God's approval", still failing to understand that while they'll never be able to "fix it all", they don't need to. Jesus has done that. We keep messing with the battery, running for the jumper cables, while the alternator sits there, less than a foot away, needing to be replaced. 

How much time do we spend - how much of our hearts do we beat down - in pursuit of trying to fix things that really aren't the problem?

Is there any issue or an area in your marriage, with your children, in your job, with your health, or most importantly, in your relationship to Jesus Christ, where you need to finally address the actual problem?

I want to encourage you: Stop messing with the battery & replace the alternator.

Ephesians 2:1-10
Matthew 5-7
Isaiah 1:18-20

Stop Making Bad Choices

"Why am I the one in the family...?"

The Black Sheep. The Prodigal. The screw up. The list goes on.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard someone, through this agonizing fog of self-pity, allow this sort of painful question to come flying out of their mouth: "Why am I the one? Why am I constantly messing things up? Why can't I just get it right?"

Maybe this is you. Maybe you've made one bad decision after another after another. Quite possibly (as beforementioned) as you've allowed yourself to be seduced and deceived by self-pity, you've also started to mistakenly believe that THIS IS JUST WHO YOU ARE, or that THIS IS JUST HOW YOU'RE WIRED. Maybe you think your destiny is to constantly repeat your mistakes and put your family through hell. If any of this is ringing a bell or starting to sound familiar, I want to encourage you and help you by telling you the truth. 

Now don't misunderstand me, I'm completely aware of the fact that - by nature - you probably haven't been very good at hearing the truth. That's why you are where you are. But I'm believing that you're growing tired and weary of being in that place - that you're ready to shake this and truly make things new. If so, then I hope you'll keep pressing forward and read on. Here we go.

99% of the time that someone falls into this trap, begins taking on the identity of Family Screw Up or Black Sheep, becomes the one who makes Thanksgiving Dinner the most awkward moment for everyone, and just can't seem to ever get things straight, there's a very simple reason behind it. It's not earth-shaking or mind-blowing. In fact, it's actually so simple and foundational that it's irritating. If you want to know HOW to strip off this weight and once and for all be free, here is the FREE, money-back guarantee, simple solution:

STOP MAKING BAD CHOICES.

That's it.

I told you it was irritating. 

I know you wanted more. 

Much like the Carmax commercials where people "want more drama", I'm sure that's you right about now. (That's part of the reason you keep being this person. You're magnetically drawn to drama like the tractor beam of the Death Star is sucking you in. KILL THE TRACTOR BEAM!) But it's really this simple. As Andy Stanley says in The Principle of the Path, "It's direction, not intention, that determines destination." [Read that again.] Do you grasp this life-changing reality? It doesn't matter what your INTENT is. What matters is the DIRECTION you walk. The STEPS you take. The DECISIONS you make. Those steps - one after another after another - are going to determine where you wind up. DIRECTION, NOT INTENTION, DETERMINES DESTINATION. 

While you soak that in, I want to make sure you also understand one more piece of this puzzle. And it's the most important piece. WHERE you're headed and WHAT you do and HOW you live are all going to be rooted in WHO you are living for. These steps you need to take - the wisdom and discernment you need to even see what direction to go - will only be found through the power of God's Word and His Spirit guiding and leading you. Surrendering your life to Jesus Christ - FULLY SURRENDERING - is the beginning of you kissing that old person goodbye. [2 Corinthians 4 & 5 speak powerfully to this!] Until you surrender, you will just keep running back to your old identity. As painful and heartbreaking as it is, it's become comfortable because it's what you know. But God has better. MUCH better! Forget Black Sheep. He wants to make you "white as snow". But only He can accomplish this. Look at what Isaiah says:

"Come now, let's reason this out together", says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they will become like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you will be eaten by the sword." For the mouth of the Lord has spoken. Isaiah 1:18-20

Surrender. Stop running. Maybe for the first time in your entire life:
MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE!